Your writing evokes so many emotions in me. I want to tell you that I understand the abandonment wound, especially from childhood--different circumstances, of course. There are so many layers to what you shared here today, regarding the complexities surrounding the will to live and the will to die.
What I heard and was thinking about as I read from your perspective as a child with a mom who preferred the solitude of a psychiatric facility to being at home with her kids, was this: You needed her love and stability, and for some reason she wasn't able to give that to you. What's more, you experienced this as a mother when you were hospitalized and realized as you turned away from your sons that you believed you were abandoning them.
I'm thinking now about the expectations placed upon mothers, the weight of what we are each given and how oftentimes that weight is too much. I got to that point, too, five years ago after the birth of our fifth child during the onset of COVID. And I realized, as I spiraled in my own suicidal ideations that I didn't want to leave that legacy for my children. I didn't want them to believe they were too much for me, or that I didn't want them, or that I couldn't handle them because they were "burdens."
Children usually believe and internalize this message when their mothers are away, whether emotionally absent or physically, or both. So I have this vantage point from both a child who felt her mother thought she was "too much" to being the mom in a position where I needed to get my life in order and care for myself. What did that convey to my five kids? I'm sure I will hear as they get older.
But, Linda, all in all, I believe in self-forgiveness. I believe in its ability to heal us as we travel back to the different parts of us and ages we were when that pain was so visceral and excruciating and raw. To give our younger version of ourselves what we needed at the time but did not receive is an act of self-compassion.
Writing your way through this, it seems, is an aspect of your healing journey, and it is a privilege to walk with you here.
Oh dear, it's taken me so long to respond to your post, Jeannie. You seem to have touched on precisely the most important elements of this piece--I know you must, in this way, have had to handle something like them during the course of your life. I appreciate that you have done a lot of work on "self-forgiveness" and that it has been critical to your growth. You share so much of that to your readers here on Substack. Thanks for "walking with me!"
Yes, Linda, I am here for you. I truly mean that. When I read your essay, I absolutely understood the heaviness. Sometimes it is constant. How can a person erase that truth? I have had a few beta readers tell me that my memoir is too heavy, doesn’t give much breathing room. And while I don’t want to suffocate my reader at all, I still have to honor the reality that I didn’t have breathing room during that time in my life. Everything was a boulder I lugged uphill, every day.
I do know how hard it can be to get through one loss only to face another.
So I will say it again: I am here for you. Glad to be your friend.
I am so sorry you have been through so much trauma in your life. Although we all acquire our scars in life, your's certainly seem to be more hard earned. But you are finding ways to heal yourself, and in the end we must all look after ourselves. May you always forgive yourself, care for yourself, and thrive.
Maud, I wrote a reply to you under Comments but I don't think it went through. If you want to see it go to the comment page for this post. SOrry about that! I'm still learning how to use SS.
Well, I don't see my earlier note to here. I don't know! Just understand that I appreciated all you said about trauma and your clear perceptions about it. I AM trying to heal myself and to look after myself. People keep telling me to forgive myself--and I am taking that to heart. Many thanks
I love that--"clean house!" That's something I haven't been able to do very often in my life but now I see the clear value of doing it. Thanks for the advice and your appreciation of where I am in my journey along these pathways.
Dear Linda, I read your memoir Half In Love and found your website afterwards, I was thinking if I should write you a letter after reading the book, but found no words to express how much I admire your strength after it all. I’m so glad to have found you on Substack, to read your words that are still so kind and empathetic after all these years. I think I’m just around your sons’s age but my childhood trauma often makes me wonder how I can keep going when things might not get better, when loss & grief accumulate as time goes. Seeing that you’re still here, still trying your best to grow and to love this life, makes me feel less alone. I hope you are surrounded by peace and love from within and from those who love you and choose to stay 🧡
Hello Feelings Attached. I am so glad that you reached out. You are correct in understanding through my writing when you observe that having had difficulties in my life does not mean that I can’t continue to grow and prosper regardless of how hard it may be. It takes a lot of inner fortitude but ultimately carries you through painful times. I am fortunate in having had a lot of support—some of it given by readers such as you! Thanks and keep reading and staying aware of feelings!
You are so loved and loving! There is another way of seeing this, please don't abandon yourself in the face of changes. We are always left with ourselves, our thoughts and our thoughts can be changed.
I love you.
"When someone leaves me, I have been spared."~ Byron Katie.
I love this quote from Byron Katie, Francois. I think I would have to work hard to think of my friendships and my relationships this way, but it would be a good goal to work toward. I'm halfway between the "it hurts too damned much" and "take a hike!" Thanks for making me think about all this and the ways we can defend ourselves at the same time we do the right thing for ourselves. It's not always easy to tell them apart.
Linda,
Your writing evokes so many emotions in me. I want to tell you that I understand the abandonment wound, especially from childhood--different circumstances, of course. There are so many layers to what you shared here today, regarding the complexities surrounding the will to live and the will to die.
What I heard and was thinking about as I read from your perspective as a child with a mom who preferred the solitude of a psychiatric facility to being at home with her kids, was this: You needed her love and stability, and for some reason she wasn't able to give that to you. What's more, you experienced this as a mother when you were hospitalized and realized as you turned away from your sons that you believed you were abandoning them.
I'm thinking now about the expectations placed upon mothers, the weight of what we are each given and how oftentimes that weight is too much. I got to that point, too, five years ago after the birth of our fifth child during the onset of COVID. And I realized, as I spiraled in my own suicidal ideations that I didn't want to leave that legacy for my children. I didn't want them to believe they were too much for me, or that I didn't want them, or that I couldn't handle them because they were "burdens."
Children usually believe and internalize this message when their mothers are away, whether emotionally absent or physically, or both. So I have this vantage point from both a child who felt her mother thought she was "too much" to being the mom in a position where I needed to get my life in order and care for myself. What did that convey to my five kids? I'm sure I will hear as they get older.
But, Linda, all in all, I believe in self-forgiveness. I believe in its ability to heal us as we travel back to the different parts of us and ages we were when that pain was so visceral and excruciating and raw. To give our younger version of ourselves what we needed at the time but did not receive is an act of self-compassion.
Writing your way through this, it seems, is an aspect of your healing journey, and it is a privilege to walk with you here.
Oh dear, it's taken me so long to respond to your post, Jeannie. You seem to have touched on precisely the most important elements of this piece--I know you must, in this way, have had to handle something like them during the course of your life. I appreciate that you have done a lot of work on "self-forgiveness" and that it has been critical to your growth. You share so much of that to your readers here on Substack. Thanks for "walking with me!"
Yes, Linda, I am here for you. I truly mean that. When I read your essay, I absolutely understood the heaviness. Sometimes it is constant. How can a person erase that truth? I have had a few beta readers tell me that my memoir is too heavy, doesn’t give much breathing room. And while I don’t want to suffocate my reader at all, I still have to honor the reality that I didn’t have breathing room during that time in my life. Everything was a boulder I lugged uphill, every day.
I do know how hard it can be to get through one loss only to face another.
So I will say it again: I am here for you. Glad to be your friend.
Glad to know you are here!!
I am so sorry you have been through so much trauma in your life. Although we all acquire our scars in life, your's certainly seem to be more hard earned. But you are finding ways to heal yourself, and in the end we must all look after ourselves. May you always forgive yourself, care for yourself, and thrive.
Maud, I wrote a reply to you under Comments but I don't think it went through. If you want to see it go to the comment page for this post. SOrry about that! I'm still learning how to use SS.
Well, I don't see my earlier note to here. I don't know! Just understand that I appreciated all you said about trauma and your clear perceptions about it. I AM trying to heal myself and to look after myself. People keep telling me to forgive myself--and I am taking that to heart. Many thanks
Again, amazing in articulation of emotion. Someday SOON forgive yourself. I had a best friend for 5 decades also...clean house.
I love that--"clean house!" That's something I haven't been able to do very often in my life but now I see the clear value of doing it. Thanks for the advice and your appreciation of where I am in my journey along these pathways.
Dear Linda, I read your memoir Half In Love and found your website afterwards, I was thinking if I should write you a letter after reading the book, but found no words to express how much I admire your strength after it all. I’m so glad to have found you on Substack, to read your words that are still so kind and empathetic after all these years. I think I’m just around your sons’s age but my childhood trauma often makes me wonder how I can keep going when things might not get better, when loss & grief accumulate as time goes. Seeing that you’re still here, still trying your best to grow and to love this life, makes me feel less alone. I hope you are surrounded by peace and love from within and from those who love you and choose to stay 🧡
Hello Feelings Attached. I am so glad that you reached out. You are correct in understanding through my writing when you observe that having had difficulties in my life does not mean that I can’t continue to grow and prosper regardless of how hard it may be. It takes a lot of inner fortitude but ultimately carries you through painful times. I am fortunate in having had a lot of support—some of it given by readers such as you! Thanks and keep reading and staying aware of feelings!
Dear beautiful Linda,
You are so loved and loving! There is another way of seeing this, please don't abandon yourself in the face of changes. We are always left with ourselves, our thoughts and our thoughts can be changed.
I love you.
"When someone leaves me, I have been spared."~ Byron Katie.
I love this quote from Byron Katie, Francois. I think I would have to work hard to think of my friendships and my relationships this way, but it would be a good goal to work toward. I'm halfway between the "it hurts too damned much" and "take a hike!" Thanks for making me think about all this and the ways we can defend ourselves at the same time we do the right thing for ourselves. It's not always easy to tell them apart.